The first time I heard the term trans joy was from podcaster and POS matt walsh who said if there is anything such as trans joy, “it exists somewhere between the 25th floor and the ground,” a reference to a trans person who had recently committed suicide by jumping off a building. It’s really important he never gets to live that comment down. Anyway, it wasn’t until last year that I experienced the feeling for myself and understood why there was a term for it in the first place.
Trans joy is the immense happiness a trans person receives when they are able to accept their true nature and finally start living as their authentic selves. It is a very real and powerful emotion and for me, it was probably the first time in my life I had ever experience true joy. It’s having the heavy weight of pretending who you are to yourself and everyone you know suddenly lifted away, the removal of deep repression, the extraction of which can very much be felt physically. Accepting who I am and how I feel has changed my life and I am grateful for the life events which have brought me to this self realization, even if those events weren’t always the most enjoyable (some of them quite horrible).
I’m now about 6 months into my transition, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m so happy that things which once were so important to me no longer hold the same meaning for me anymore. Things like work and certain hobbies, things that for so long I was searching for my worth in. I felt if only I worked hard enough or became good enough at something, then I would have worth. Now though, after understanding and accepting myself, I don’t feel like I need to find my worth. I’m already worth something, so my priorities have shifted. I’m now ambitious about understanding myself better and continuing to better myself. I’m interested in making and maintaining friendships and relationships, something I was never really interested in before. I’m interested in enjoying life and maintaining my happiness and joy and sharing those feelings with others. I’m interested in helping people who may be in a similar position I was in because I know how hard it can be to pull out of. I feel like most of my life I wad selfish, but now I was to live honestly and unselfishly.
I think trans joy is something anyone can experience (to varying degrees) because it’s really just accepting yourself and realizing that you are fine just as you are, but I think trans and LGBT people may experience a more extreme version of the joy that comes with self acceptance because for many of us, we have suppressed or been unable to express our true selves for so long, so when we are finally able to, it’s a very cathartic experience.
Anyway, I’m excited to see how this joy translates over time and how much more progress I will make. Hopefully I can help some people along my journey!
Since graduating last May, I’ve essentially gone no contact with my parents. I don’t visit them, rarely do I call, and I didn’t attend Thanksgiving or Christmas for the first time in my entire life (besides the times I was sick). This past ice storm was the first time I had seen them in quite a while because I was concerned about my power going out and I wanted a generator and propane heater just in case. Sounds selfish, right? I suppose this situation would better be classified as no contact except for special circumstances - the special circumstances being when I need something. So, how did we reach this point in our relationship? Before graduation, I was on a weekly calling basis with my mom and monthly basis with my dad. So what changed and why have I chosen to limit my contact with them? You’re probably guessing that once I got what I needed from them, reaching graduation and getting the money it took to get there, I cut the line, and honestly, that is completely and totally accurate, however, let me explain how I reached the point of only caring what they have to offer me monetarily because I didn’t always feel this way. In fact, for many yearsI longed for a close relationship with both my parents, but it just never materialized as I was hoping it would.
First though, let me say that I’ve spent a good deal of time thinking about and oftentimes complaining about my childhood and how I was raised. There were good things that occurred for sure, but also there were many emotionally damaging moments that seem more extreme than what many of my friends seemed to deal with in their home. I have healed greatly since then and don’t like to blame all my issues on my parents or my childhood and have tried, but often failed, to not ruminate on this topic or discuss it with others ad infinitum, but let me clarify - this post is neither of those things. I’m not going into the details to explain how my parents hurt me or caused me issues with my emotional development, but instead this post is an explanation on why I have chosen to greatly limit my contact with them. I could simply tell you the current situation which is what I said earlier, that I got what I needed from them and then no longer have use for them, but it’s what led me to this state that I want to explain. There are obviously so many memories, things I did to hurt them, good memories, etc, but I’m trying to focus only on what I think has contributed to me wanting to limit my contact with them.
For many years I felt misunderstood and not seen. I don’t think my parents either couldn’t or didn’t put it the time and effort to recognize who I how and then adjust themselves accordingly. Sure, they had their own sets of issues, but I think being a good parent is recognizing the individuality of each child and knowing each one will need a different form of parenting and you shouldn’t expect them to be something they aren’t. If you see them drawn to something, you should encourage that. Also, if you see behavior, I think it takes some investigation to understand why that’s happening. It could be that the child is just as they are, or it could be something else. For me this failure of recognition or willful avoidance went on basically until I moved out in my mid twenties (another issue to discuss).
Besides the inability to see me, there was the problem of alcohol. My dad was too busy to deal with these things, but he did find time for the Monday ritual of yelling at me from 2nd grade to 8th grade in alcoholic fueled rage rants that I suspect my mom put him up to. For a while the theme of the house was extreme yelling and smashing counters, and beating on the wall to rant about something for at least an hour in again, fueled by alcohol. My mom was always in her room I suspect ignoring it. Maybe she took all she could and we just had to fend for it ourselves. Sometimes I think it’s my behavior that possibly made her more easily able to ignore these things. There were times my dad threatened me, there was once time he chased my breaking down doors as I ran through the house locking them behind me and subsequently jumped out a window to avoid his, well whatever was going to happen. One time my dad got so upset that I found my younger brother in the closet with the lights off clutching a bible and crying because my dad was so terrifying. My dad would make us take of the dog we never wanted and we would let the dog out at night, and he would come out and yell at me, (my brother as well) about how we were lazy and not worth anything. One time I had a pet snake and other reptiles that my mom hated, but I didn’t realize she hated them as much as she did. Honestly, I wouldn’t have cared anyway. I loved them the moment I got them because I just love animals. The snake, Mr. Snake, was so gentle and sweet. One time he got out and hid in my mom’s linen closet and we found him a couple weeks later. I was so happy to have found him because I didn’t know where he had gone. Well, my mom came out crying about it and later that day, but dad screamed at me from the 2nd story window as I was outside cleaning the yard that I had to cut it’s head off. And so, my younger brother and I stood crying with knife holding Mr. snake as my dad yelled at me to cut his head off. I couldn’t do it. About a week later I found all my reptiles dead in their cages. My mother told me the bug man had come and maybe the fumes killed them, but they were in cages and ALL of them died, so I suspect my father sprayed them and killed them. One time, when my dad was drunk I came home upset that my girlfriend at the time said this guy tried to touch her. I think she was just looking for attention, but at the time, my first girlfriend at like 16, I was upset mainly because I thought that’s what you were suppose to feel/act. I told my dad I was going to get the shotgun and kill him (I didn’t really mean it, I was just upset and maybe acting a little) but my dad told me sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, and then he changed the subject to some completely unrelated topic. There were numerous times that I just had to sit there for hours and listen to this man rant about shit, and if I tried to but in or say I get it or I have to go, i would get yelled at. So, I learned that speaking up is dangerous and my opinions don’t matter, and the best way to navigate this was to just STFU. At some point I got really depressed, not saying this is what it was from, but who knows, who knows. One time in high school I almost shot myself. I remember driving to school crying thinking it was my last day on earth. When I got home I was taking the .38 my dad kept on the counter and doing it. I think I was too scared to do it in the end. I’m guessing that’s why I did it. They left on a trip one time and I almost did it too. I drank a bunch of his liquor and almost did it, but again just got scared.
By the time I graduated high school, I was pretty directionless. Nobody knew what was going on. I rarely brought friends over. Usually we just went to their houses. I did a bunch of odd jobs, went to class every so often. Sometimes I would enroll and then drop the class and take the money my parents gave me. I was angry for a really long time too, angry at them, angry at myself. I didn’t know what to do. My mom said to just get a job, any job, so I worked in places I didn’t want to like hotels and liquor stores. I had no real hobbies or interests besides fleeting ones. I think I would try to find purpose in something and then loose that interest. Eventually my dad lost a lot of people at his workplace and it was suggested I went to work there, so i did for about 5 years. I learned a lot there. It was a construction company and I learned how to fix engines, use heavy equipment, fix electronics, welding, and using so many tools. It eventually led me wanting to go back to university and take up science. I would have liked to have stayed there because there was so much potential, but emotionally I couldn’t stay.
But both my parents were supportive of my decision to finish school. They helped pay for my apartments, food, etc. They were always there financially. And I appreciate that so much, because it gave me a second chance to get out of that situation and become a part of the world, not this insulated emotionally damaging unit that believes the world should be avoided (my parents rarely interact with friends, etc. They keep to themselves. My dad RARELY leaves the house). So, I guess I felt obligated to speak to them as much as I did. I think for the most part, I was just scared they might take away the money at some point if I didn’t speak to them often and to go over and help around the house. And while we discussed many things such as politics and world events, I can’t really remember a time we discussed anything emotional or tried to fix anything. The only time in recent memory I have of getting a little emotional was when Pchan and I broke up and I told my mom I had an alcohol problem and she told me she would help me get help if I needed it. My dad during this time, we didn’t fight at all. The conversations were mostly just I “I heard about this” or “I picked this up online”.. safe material, nothing evocative of emotion or anything. This was the state of things for the 5 years I worked to finish my PhD.
Then when May ’25 came around and I graduated, moved out of my brother’s place, and found a job, suddenly I found myself not wanting to talk to them. I didn’t really plan it, it just happened. I guess I got what I needed and felt secure enough to not feel like I had to put on this act anymore. Interestingly, this same month I was considering transitioning, something that I hadn’t ever really thought about until about a year prior when I was flirting with it. It’s funny though, that these feelings got stronger as I got closer to graduation. And then, I moved in with my current roommate and fell into this new identity and completely reversed a lot of opinions and philosophy to more what I had earlier in life. It was like, this influence was gone and I could choose to be who I wanted to be without any fear.
And to be fair, a lot of the inability to connect with them has be me and my lack of courage to be myself no matter what and understanding myself well enough to communicate in a healthy way. I feel so much better, happier, and I want to express myself to them and repair things, but my entire family is anti-LGBT and the things they have said about my people make me hurt. And, they constantly made fun of me for being sensitive and ignored it or told me i needed to man up or whatever (nah fam, ima man down :p). So it’s like now, why would I share the most intimate part of myself, the part that can finally be expressed? I want to protect this person and I don’t think I can allow anything to hurt this person anymore. I used to have the worst self-image problems and depression and everyone in my family knew, they told me repeatedly that they were worried about me, but they did nothing to help me. They didn’t even know what was going on, they just saw that I was mad off mentally, and they did nothing.
My family is all really close with one another, but they are all conservative christian maga lovers. I just don’t fit in there and I don’t want to risk being hurt again or having them influence me (because I’m easily influenced) and why would I want to be around anyone that thinks that I’m an abomination under god. No amount of money is going to keep me around. I absolutely want to mend things, but how can I when my mother wouldn’t answer me when I asked her if she still supported her actions years ago leaving her church because they became pro-LGBT? My parents hate me, they just don’t know it. And do I hurt them by coming out? Do I risk hurting myself?
I WROTE THE BELOW SEMI-RANDOM PARAGRAPH DRUNK IN THE TUB - DIDN’T EDIT OR READ IT ALL LOL.
(I realize that for me love is receiving the emotional support I need. It's having someone that understands me and tries to meet my emotional needs and obviously I would do the same for them and I feel like that idea and mentality everything else falls in the place because everything is really tied to emotion when you think about it money whatever because if you're not doing well financially, you're not gonna be well emotionally right but I think the root of it is meeting someone's emotional needs at least that's for me how I see it and what I need and so whether it's my family or whether it's a friend, I think their reaches a point where you have been patient whether with yourself or with them and tried to communicate a little bit about what you need and if you don't get those things you reach a point where you've just decided that you're out of the relationship and it's just a matter of time before you leave and the only reason why you stay at least in my perspective is because you're getting something from them financially for example with my parents growing up I didn't have the emotional support I needed, but it's not like I could've just left so the relationship just becomes survival and I realize that that's how my family operates. They think love is just this inseverable blood bond that's there for monetary support and like practical help which is really important obviously but if you don't meet that with the emotional needs it makes that time you spend together miserable and it makes the monetary support just that it's just I need these people in order to survive and other than that once I don't need that anymore I have no other use for them because the emotional needs aren't gonna be met. so I think that's why sometimes I pop back up and I do it less and less and less because I don't want to have to rely on them for for survival, but I'm not going to let me and my friend for example if we're in the house and the power goes out and it's 6° outside I'm not letting either one of us go multiple days without power and being cold. I would rather suck that up and go to my parents for help and get those monetary goods then not do that and someone in my family might say oh you're just contacting us to use us like I'm I'm assuming that's how my brother would feel about it. You're just contacting them to use them and it's like yeah because what else has anyone ever offered me other than the monetary goods I cannot think of a single time where I felt comforted by my mom or my dad or my brothers at all and maybe it's just the length of time that we spent together being so young that my family my mom and dad were really young when they had us and I'm sure they were emotionally immature. They're still extremely emotionally Immature. I'm sure they never really had time to think about themselves like that and obviously I was a kid we were all kids and said we're emotionally immature and so now it's like looking back. Maybe that's part of the maturity is realizing that that's the truth and realizing that that was the truth then and. Try to be there more often and try to meet those emotional needs shot because now that I think about it, maybe I never communicate well and maybe my parents will never understand my needs. I mean they are anti-LGBT and that makes me really upset.
I want to spend my time creating my own family and support structure with friends and lovers. I can’t spend it on repairing a relationship with them because it’s too late, practically speaking. I need to focus on my mental health and my financial future and my emotional needs. It’s sad to see them in pain and becoming older and more mentally emotionally unstable from the years of this behavior, but they have my other two brothers and their families, so they will survive. For them, that’s what life is about anyway.
Most people i’ve read online typically see these concepts, sexuality and gender, as two separate but related concepts. many trans people, if they are male-to-female, at least from what I have seen online, place themselves in either two realities, either something like “ i was a gay boy, but then come to find out im actually just a straight girl” or “i was a straight boy, but come to find out im just a gay girl” but im sure for others, like myself, sexuality and gender are a little more nuanced and more difficult to understand..i can’t speak for others, but i know for me, because i am flexible with words and concepts (because most concepts we know have just been invented and nature rarely places things into neat categories), the two are more difficult to separate..this past year has been important for me to understand what these concepts mean for me and how i relate to them.. i figured i should probably write about my exploration in these topics and how my understanding and relation to them has evolved over the years.
my sexuality has mostly been straightforward for me..for a good part of life i was only ever interested in cis girls.. being attracted to any other gender was just not a reality for me, and i never even questioned my sexuality because i simply was only attracted to cis girls and i didn’t feel like there was anything to question..in fact, not only was i just not attracted to males or anyone male presenting, but i would say as i was brought up in a christian conservative household and culture, the thought of being attracted to someone like that was disturbing to me, not only morally but also conceptually. I can confidently say that not once did i ever question my sexuality or wonder what it would be like to be gay before somewhere around my early 30s..
something similar can be said about my gender.. never once did i ever question my gender because it simply wasn’t even a concept, a possibility. for many of us, gender and sex were the same thing..either you are male or female and there wasn’t anything you could do to change that..sure, we all knew about trans people (back then, everyone belittled them out of disgust by calling them trannies), but it wasn’t ever really a topic of conversation.. i can only remember a handful of times the topic ever came up..either in literature or movies.. every now and then you might see someone who you assumed was a male dressing as a women because they had some weird fetish or something..”you can always tell by looking at their hands” my mom told me once..but the concept for me and my friends/family, everyone i knew, the concept of changing your gender wasn’t there, it was just a man wanting to be a women.. and never once did i hear about a woman wanting to be a man, only did i know about “butch” girls who were just more masculine girls that, mostly likely, was attracted to other girls. Of course, they got made fun of super hard also.. basically if you weren’t clearly straight and presented as the sex you were born with, you were a target..for me then, my gender was something i never questioned until my earlyish 30s..
so what occurred in my 30s that caused me to begin questioning my sexuality and gender, and even caused me to deconstruct my past actions and feelings to try and understand if there was anything in my 30 years on earth, specifically my younger years, which could have been understood to be early signs of where my sexuality and gender are now?
well, simply, like so many other things in recent times, i would say it’s the internet that’s responsible for it (at least the “final” conscious part of my journey), primarily instagram and porn, not that these things changed anything inherit about me (at least, that’s how i feel), but they opened up conceptual doors for me, ideas and feelings i would never have known how to explore without them. i think it’s this very thing conservative people are afraid of..they like to try to convince people that these tools are dangerous because they could “warp” a young person’s mind into becoming trans or becoming gay, but really i think its the ideas they open us up to and the normalization of it..porn for example, people hate on porn so much and most people are ashamed that they partake in it or embarrassed to talk about it, but nearly all of us watch it and we all are into different things. but i think the shame and embarrassment for many of us has been diminished to a large degree. not eradicated, but minimized..porn taught me how to have sex and taught me things i would again, never have even thought of if it wasn’t available to me (it’s too bad the US states have been essentially banning porn..i have to VPN into Canada now to watch it…America- “land of the free” LOL)..for most of my life, the porn i watched was just straight porn..nothing wild..i was never into anything too intense, and most of the time i would get horny and then quickly turn on porn, do the deed, and then closed the browser window just as quickly as i opened it..i didn’t think much past that for most of my life. I knew what I liked and really i just wanted to cum and move on with my day..masturbation was really just like eating..when you’re hungry, you eat..afterward the feeling is gone and you don’t think about it until the next time…so how in the world did i come across trans porn, what i would say is the beginning of me questioning things? it’s funny..as i’m writing this, i’m having to go back and remember..let me think…..
ahh i think im remembering the timeline correctly now..so all of this, it all actually starts with anal toys i think…and actually, i’ve been interested in those for a long time, since i was a young teen prob..it was like when you’re learning to masturbate when you’re young, you know? you don’t know what you’re doing, you just know it feels good..very similar experience to that..i would use random things i found around the house lol..but at some point i stopped because i thought it was bad..i always felt ashamed to do it, same as porn ( i started watching porn early, probably around 12 ish - def got introduced to it through scrambled TV stations, and then Limewire)..i didn’t pick that up again until i was about 30..and i think then i started getting more comfortable with it, buying toys and what not..this was just right when i decided to start my phd and basically walk away from my family (not that i fully understood that’s what i was doing at that time)..then i started watching fem-dom stuff..i always had an interest in that kind of thing..i can remember being in 2nd grade and wanting a girl to basically dominate me, jump on top of me and pin me down, but i didn’t think about it in a sexual way, just as a concept..being almost manipulated into something and then held prisoner..
we are really getting into it, aren’t we…guess I’ll just keep going deeper in the weeds..didn’t expect this to be such a long and “invested” post, but the writing is helping me remember my past so much better..
it was around the time where i was searching for fem-dom stuff that i came across trans porn, and this had a profound impact on me..it was an immediate attraction, not in a fetish way, just as like, i’m attracted to femininity and being dominated by it and here was a person who i was attracted to and had an actual dick, so they could potentially enjoy it too..there were so many possibilities for mutual pleasure, but fem-dom porn many times felt scripted or forced, but for a trans person, they seemed to actually enjoy it.. that turns me on, the idea of someone enjoying me..i think that’s why i’ve always not really liked straight sex with cis girls..sure, i like orgasming, but being the dominate one, the “top”, it has always felt more like an act to me..i know the girl likes it, so i’ll do it..but naturally that’s not what i like..it’s very performative for me and the way i feel afterward is usually not good because i know i’m not great at it (because it’s a forced act for me)..and i always, always liked the idea of being the “bottom”, even in my earlier relationships, but i never communicated that to anyone except my most recent, previous relationship (guess i’ll get into that too)…
i didn’t have, or didn’t allow myself to have much time for self-reflection for the first part of my phd..i was much too concerned with performing well enough to stay in the program - i was constantly studying and stressing about my performance, plus i had my two dogs, so anything extra was difficult..but after i finished the first half of my phd, i was awarded my masters and from there, i knew i was basically safe from getting kicked from the program, so i could relax a little bit..i moved into a better apartment and almost immediately i began experimenting and exploring myself and the things i found myself interested in more..at some point i bought a furry tail plug..i don’t know why, but the idea enticed me..i was never into furries or anything like that, didn’t really ever think about them since i saw some videos on youtube when i was younger..i also created an instagram around this time and somehow, almost immediately i began adding all these furry accounts..i honestly can’t remember what prompted me to start adding them..trans accounts, furries, femboy stuff..i think i was just scouring random things on insta and somehow something came up and i just went down that hole and here we are lol..
after about a year on insta, i got really into furries and simultaneously started questioning both my gender and sexuality..i think one major thing was seeing these people live as their authentic selves, out in the open..for about the entirety of my life i was a private person and seeing these people live how they wanted, no matter who judge them, was super attractive to me..these were things i was also interested in, so it was just inevitable i got drawn into it all..many of the furry accounts i was coming across were femboys too and i found myself simultaneously attracted to them as well as a little envious..i couldn’t really decide between the two, was i more jealous or more attracted to them? but i remember at some point i landed on some porn page that had a bunch of furry content and there was this one fur that was trans (Berrylicious :3)..just everything that was going on felt like it should be me..i wanted that to be me…i started to “feel” trans, i even bought a flag and everything, but it was more like “ i support trans” than being trans..i bought a pan flag too..like i knew things were changing and there was no going back, but it was all jumbled in my head..i couldn’t make sense of it all.. then I met Pchan..
(this is such a hard thing to talk about…i’m gunna have to make an entire post about our relationship)..Pchan and I met in the elevator of our apartment..i got her number and called her a few days later..i still remember our first conversation, how nervous i was.. (i just finished my third glass of wine..feeling a little drunk rn) she was way outa my league, but she wanted to hang out with me..i wondered if did get together..how long would it be until she figured out the “real me”, the furry bottomy trans cuck thing that was figuring itself out..i wondered if she would see the flags i bought i pinned up on my wall above my bed, if she would judge me for my stuffed animals..i knew it wasn’t her thing, it’s no typical girl’s thing..she would see it and reject me..
before she came over the first time, i removed the flags and the stuffed animals..i just wanted her to like me..i didn’t want to take any chances.. (i’ll post about our relationship at length later)..but anyway..i guess i’ll skip up until i started to share my more private interests with her..
so after i couple months of us dating, i started to share what i had been exploring with her and she didn’t seem phased at all, she didn’t complain or act disgusted, in fact she was interested.. skip skip skip for later post…blah..we ended up trying some dom/sub stuff..basically being hers was a vibe..i’m about to cry thinking about it tbh…ahh, well it was the first time i had personally experienced being dominated by a girl in person..i just caused a lot of issues because there was a lot of emotional growth that still needed to occur for me..
anyway, during our dom/sub experiment she was so supportive and let me explore myself as much as i could allow myself..this one time she was giving this handjob in bed and i had my head in his lap and she was pulling my hair as i came..gd i know i’ll never get to experience that again probably..she hoped on top of me after and choked me until i almost passed out..there was a girl i was “seeing” before her..i put that in quotes because i wasn’t interested in her more than what we were planning for, being roommates..i legit wanted to move out of the apartment i was in and we met on a roommate site, but she ended up being into me (but not really, she was just lonely i think)..anyway, we never got physical, but somehow we were just on my bed hanging out and she asked me to choke her until she almost passed out..i thought it was weird..and here i was later doing in with Pchan...
Pchan and I also explored an open relationship..so back in high school i was dating this asian girl..on one of the many times we broke up (my request ofc because i suck) she hooked up with this guy in her dorm room..i was pushing her at the time to sleep with someone else (because i’m a cuck and didn’t know it at the time because i didn’t even know wtf that was).. so she actually did it..we were hooking up in my car after the night she hooked up with that guy and i felt how loose she was and i knew she had been with someone else..i was super jealous and also super turned on lol.. it was a weird set of emotions to contend with..so later i told her i was really upset and the only thing that would make me feel better would be if i could watch the two of them having sex..again, i had no idea why i was asking this..but she agreed..
so I’m not proud of this because for a long time, i didn’t respect people because i didn’t respect myself, so because my feelings didn’t matter, no one else’s feeling mattered either..so i convinced her to meet him in a hotel..she and I got the room together and the plan was i would hide behind the chair and watch them go at it..i regret that part because it’s not fair we didn’t tell him what was going on..that’s my fault not hers.. but i still think about that night..i was sitting behind this chair watching my girl get pounded by this other guy and i was completely into it..i thought about that moment for years afterward…tbh i still do..we dressed her up in like a lace corset thing with thigh high socks..she and i fooled around for a little bit, but i just wanted her to be excited for him so we didn’t food around too much..afterward when he was done and left (he didn’t cum unfortunately) she and i had sex until we both passed out (we had been drinking together before he came over)..
I told Pchan this story and told her how much i wanted to do something like that again..so we tried it with multiple guys…again, i was jealous and also super turned on..i think i was mostly jealous because deep down i knew she was outa my league and would eventually move on to someone else..so i was trying to balance this insatiable sexual desire and my wanting not to lose her ( but i knew i would loose her in the end)..
well anyway, at some point she pegged me lol..it was a pivotal moment, especially near the end of our relationship..i was starting to more frequently communicate my need to express my feminine side…we tried make up and such..it was ok but it didn’t feel right at the time…we talked about me starting hormones, just trying them, and she initially said she would support me, but we later talked about it because i told her “I don’t think you understand what that means” and later when we talked she told me she wouldn’t be interested in that..she would “ miss her man” even though i was much of one lol…i knew deep down, it was that she would miss the concept of a man, not me specifically..
At some point i was on a furry dating app and i was talking to this one trans furry and i made the statement to her “if only there was a button i could press to be a girl, i would press it immediately”..little did i know this is a common statement many eggs make before they realize they are truly trans…i made that statement because i was really saying “wow, the road to being trans seems hard, i think if there was an easy way to do it without all the judgment and the entire process, i would totally do it..” when i found out this is a huge sign of being trans, i decided i wanted to try hormones…
Right around this time there was this specific time Pchan pegged me and it just felt so natural and right..she was enjoying in and i made the statement “i wish it was real for you” and the feeling of having someone on top of me and seeing them pleasured was more pleasurable than any orgasm i ever had..i mean orgasming feels great, but it’s a different type of pleasure..for me, orgasming is surface, but bottoming is very emotionally deep..when she couldn’t go any longer, she said “ i can’t anymore, i can’t” and her arms gave out and she was laying on top of me and i held her type and told her “it’s ok, just lay here with me” just like she would tell me, and in that moment i realized that nothing would ever compare to that feeling..
ooh i totally forgot to mention..during this entire time..basically it was all of 2024, then end of 25, i started watching gay furry porn quite often..so i found myself attracted to masculine characteristics that i never really thought of before..i started to be attracted to the male body..it was like, ok i’m attracted to trans people, but whats different about that and guys (besides gender, only talking about characteristics) and it made me realize hat there are really attractive quality about guys..
sry im 5 glasses of wine in lol..but like, i was watching gay furry porn and sometimes i would feel off about it, like it wasn’t me, other times i would be so turned on, and other times i couldn’t get hard enough to cum to it..but somewhere between the porn, the pegging, and the egg comments with other trans girls, i decided to start hormones..it came as an experiment, really.. like I’m just going to try them…what happened is pchan and i broke up and there was no longer that barrier there..she told me not to take them because she might want my kids one day…but i knew it was over when we broke up..so about a week later i started hormones and i have never looked back..actually, tbh they have completely changed my life…i don’t want to live without them.. so on that note fuck trump and his fascists gang trying to fucking kill all us trans people..there is a real genocide going on with us trans people because they fucking know what they are doing…without our meds, many of us would rather be dead…myself included…
and HRT has def pushed my sexuality a little to the more masculine side..honestly, i don’t think much about fem anymore… i just want to make a boy really happy uwu…back in december i went on a date with a boy for the first time and we kissed…i knew then that’s what i wanted and i wasn’t really interested in cis girls anymore..
so, I dk where exactly my sexuality and gender separate and where they coalesce…they evolved at the same time and for me, they come together…i don’t consider myself just trans, i feel like i’m a bisexual trans furry girl gay boy who sometimes is still a guy but increasingly is a girl more and more, and is also gay and straight…like there are two sexualities in me, one is a gay trans furry girl and the other is a straight boy…but the straight boy is disintegrating..i know the hormones have a good bit to play in this and that makes me happy…like before, and maybe this is weird, but i didn’t like being attracted to girls..i WANTED to be attracted to guys…something about it felt right, but sexually, naturally, i’m attracted to girls, but hormones have helped me overcome that…
I’m going to arrogantly declare myself a creative with a strong imagination because it’s the only idea preventing my detonation. Shall we not discuss other possibilities, Love?
Psychologically flexible, high cognitive empathy, strong imagination, high openness, tolerance for ambiguity - basically the perfect environment for emotional bacteria to flourish and bleed me out. These traits are producing flexible identity boundaries that create cognitive splitting and goddamn is it getting old. It’s like there are multiple people living inside me, or rather, just different versions of myself always constantly completing to be the main character. One wants stability, another wants transformation, one wants safety and belonging while another wants freedom and chaos. Do other people experience this, I wonder? Perhaps many people do, but I cannot tell. I know a couple people who have told me they believe I have identity issues, so it must be more obvious with me than others. It’s like I can’t settle on a direction or belief system to live my life by, so I go through oscillating belief structures and emotions.
Another result of this cognitive flexibility is conversion into an emotional chameleon, easily commandeered by the perspectives of those in close proximity so deeply that it destabilizes me, but not with such intensity that I cross into dissociation or psychosis. But a question I often ask myself isn’t if, but when, when will this occur, a thought that actually scares me. Is it just a matter of time before I lose myself so completely that my psyche fragments into separate personalities unaware of existence of the others? Will I develop a separate personality that is aware of the real ‘me’ but I’m not aware of them..? I know that’s not occurring, otherwise people who know me would comment that I’m showing symptoms of DD, and also I don’t lose time.
One silver lining is transitioning has helped me tremendously with this issue, at least that is how it feels emotionally. I’m curious if these improvements will be transitory or more permanent. I would say, being trans is something I’m constantly aware of, as are others, so it’s something concrete I can grab hold to, whereas before I never felt like I was anything, really. I never resonated with myself, my gender, community, even being human - for much of my life I have felt like something is greatly wrong with me, preventing me from connecting with others. I still feel like that issue is present, but it’s not nearly as intense as it has been for so long.
Perhaps I will revisit this topic in a few months and see how I feel then.
do you read my blog and think i'm an idiot for bad grammar and whatever..do i come off as an idiot?? u, whoever you are reading this, u might not know me at all, but I bet you're judging me.. bet u feel better than me..yet i choose not to be great because greatness is the lowest form of humanity..it ruins perspective, rots the moral self and uplifts the ego..who of us can have an ego in the face of death?
everyone is ready to give a snarky comment so they can feel suprior than you or ready to judge you..ready to put you down..think that's one big reason I've always kept to myself..everyone has an opinion and they think theirs is the best..I try to be very conscious of how my words and actions affect others. I'm def not always perfect, but I never come at people to put myself above them or try to make them feel small for my benefit. Such bs mindgames. I could, but I choose not to. I have the intelligence to do it, but I act like I don't, like I'm just some happy-go-lucky person that got lucky they made it this far it life..But sometimes it gets hard and I want to be the bitch I know I can be.. I grew up in a place where alcohol was head of the household and I know how to hurt people, but I choose not to. But sometimes I wonder, for the balance, if I need to be a bitch.. Stick up for myself I guess for everyone's sake. I just feel like I'm being peoples' filter or something..like every so often do i just need to rear back to make people feel small so they don't make me feel small?? it just seems the world is ravenous to destroy the delicate..
Anyone who has seen the videos of Renee Good being shot can only conclude that affair was nothing less than murder, an execution. To me, it’s not even a discussion, so instead of discussing that incident, I want to discuss the administration’s response to that incident, the ICE issue as a whole, and where I see the country headed in the next few months.
The administration’s response, unfortunately, was as predictable as the murder of Good, an innocent citizen - they, most notably the President, Kristi Noem, the secretary of Homeland Security, denied it was murder, protected the agent Jonathan Ross, and have done nothing less but doubled down their rhetoric against the city of Minneapolis and anyone opposing ICE. Both of them stated that Good was a paid agitator and domestic terrorist who used her car to attempt to murder Ross. Neither of these statements are remotely true. Furthermore, right after shooting Good, Ross called her a “fucking bitch”. When asked on CNN directly by Jake Tapper if that was Ross who (clearly) made that statement, she said “ I can’t determine which one it is but, it could be sir.” Since then, the federal government has blocked attempts by the state to investigate this incident and many believe this to be an attempt to protect Ross and ICE as a whole. Obviously if a more transparent investigation were to take place, the tactics of ICE would be under scrutiny and the ineptitude of this organization would be revealed - ICE wouldn’t be able to continue as it has. From the numerous videos and news articles, it’s clear ICE is a violent organization which has little regard for citizens who stand it the way of their crusade. It’s essential that an open investigation can take place this state sponsored terrorist-like organization can be stopped.
What does our future look like? Well, in my opinion, the administration has two choices. It can continue as it is, endangering and enraging citizens which very well may be the goal of their policies. From their recent actions it’s not unreasonable to assume the public’s violent reaction is entirely what they are after, however, so far this hasn’t occurred. Trump and his goons could continue operating how they are currently and whoever opposes them they will run over. If large portions of the population begin to rebel, then the President can federalize the National Guard under the Insurrection Act, especially if the citizens violently deter federal officers from conducting their duties. I personally believe this is exactly what Trump wants because then martial law can be declared which would allow for more aggressive tactics. The states and citizens could work together with the courts to sue the Trump administration as much as possible in order to block this from occurring and back Trump down before the country reaches this point. This is probably our best option if the Trump admin refuses back down. The other least likely option is that the Trump admin decides to back down on their own. This would mostly likely require an open investigation into Ross and a slowdown of ICE operations, which I doubt the administration is willing to do. So most likely, we will continue to see more violence from ICE. In my opinion the most effective way to stop this administration is to find all the legal citizens ICE has detained and get them to sue the administration. It must be proved in court that federal agents and the administration has broken the law. That might force a change in ICE’s tactics. I’m not a legal expert, but this seems to me at least to be our only practical option besides civil war which would devastate this country and the world.
Why blog at all? I doubt people will even read this anyway. Maybe a few people will.. a blog is sorta an online journal and many people journal to understand themselves better. However, if I simply wanted to understand myself better, why not just fill up a journal irl? Am I seeking attention, validation?..tbh I didn’t ask myself this question before I decided to start hosting my personal site again, but I already knew the answer. Most of my life, I’ve been afraid to express myself. For some reason judgment ranks high on my list of fears. I hate when eyes are on me… It’s been a serious issue most of my life.. even compliments can make me uncomfortable..maybe I’m too perceptive..or maybe just neurotic..to combat it in the last few years I’ve been trying light exposure therapy, and it has helped some, but I’m an extreme person and if I decide to do something, I usually go hard, at least until I give that fixation up..kinda the theme of my life, tbh (I’ve become much more consistent though), and I realized I wasn’t being more aggressive with this therapy because of the few, so this entire site is really just a correction, an extreme attempt at exposure therapy… I think what’s occurring is the application of what I have learned through transitioning to my self-expression issues. Transitioning socially is hard for most trans people, but I assert for those with my issues, it’s much worse because when you come out as trans, you are forced to come out to everyone. It’s, in most cases, impossible to avoid. With this action come stares, questions, judgmental eyes, even violent eyes, and for most of my life, I lived quietly out of the way, not wanting to inconvenience or upset anyone - coming out wasn’t just a radical shift in my gender identity, it also forced me to confront this oppressive mindset which has kept me from living fully and without fear. But everyday, I care less and less what others think of my transition and often I find myself no avoiding large groups of people or wearing a certain outfit in public where before I might avoid these things out of fear.. I know I have a right to live life the way I want to and others should make room for me just as I make room for them, something I never thought because I wasn’t forced to confront these ideas previously. Oftentimes I now find myself choosing direct action over avoidance because in many situations, besides those when the stares and judgments are simply just unavoidable, it’s a conscious effort to push myself into more and more uncomfortable situations. I know the only way to overcome this is to expose myself to those negative reactions and feelings in order to overcome them and this exposure I believe has slowly helped me care less about other’s judgements and become, slowly, more confident. Surely there is much more progress to make, but I believe by sharing more of myself publicly, it will aid in me overcoming this lifelong issue.